You look chubbier

Today at my baking class one of my classmates commented: you are chubbier! You look nice and healthier... Dreadful words coming from someone who knows i'm a recovering anorexic, just guess people dont get this disease at all and the most ironic thing is 10 minutes before this happened another girl was asking me whether i had lost weight cause i looked skinnier so i don't get it! Do i look fat, skinny or what the F?!. Every word felt like a bomb exploding inside my head. I started crying in the middle of the class and all my other classmates came to hug me while reassuring i do look bigger but saying that that was a good thing (great comforting mates THANK YOU VERY MUCH). At that very moment while i was wiping away the tears, my thoughts started racing so fast i couldnt keep up with them. But the only thought that remained in me was: im FAT i will have to start restricting again. 

It's not the first time that someone makes a comment of this sort and i'm left in tears. So after my class ended i went to the gym and ran more than i usually do fixating on the calories burned and when i arrived home i just thought how stupid i was for letting someone ruin my recovery progress. I know better than this and even though my disorder tells me endless times to stop eating again i know that's not a solution to anything that's wrong in my life.

Yes i'm fatter than i was before, yes i have gained more than 10 kg already AND YES THANK GOD I DID CAUSE IF NOT I WOULD BE DEAD RIGHT NOW SO JUST GET OVER IT. 

Crappy day

GRETA