Lately i've been thinking about all the progress i've made so far. Last year i was starving myself to death until one day i said enough was enough. I couldnt continue living that way nor killing me slowly like that. I wanted LIFE but was so scared to let go my diseased habits cause i didnt know how to cope with my fears in a healthy way. I was engaging in anorexic ways as a distraction from the pain i was carrying but foolish me this was not only distracting me from inner demons but also distracting me from happiness and leading me straight to misery.
Today i can say i've made such a huge effort to smash that unhealthy habits from my life although i know i'm not 100% cured. Sure i may have gained back more than 10 kilos and am closer to health than death but i'm still missing more to reach a healthy bmi for my 5'7 height. And let me tell you that it's as hard for me to gain those last kilos than it was to gain the first ones. I'm not mentally ready, will i ever be? I mean, i wasn't even ready to gain at first but it HAD to happen. I was put on meds for my depression and for the anxiety i was getting from the weight gain. My body was changing very quickly and suddenly i was all swollen from the edema that happens when starting with refeeding. I hated the way i looked and there were days i would burst into tears screaming how fat i was, how everybody tricked me into starting treatment cause they wanted me to balloon up "because you are all so fat and ugly and just envy me" (i know i was a monster). My mom was constantly crying as she didn't know how to deal with me and i would feel like such a crappy person by the way i treated her.
Luckily i dont have that sort of outbursts anymore. I still struggle A LOT with body image and just hate the way i look so i try to evade looking myself in the mirror. But i'm working on it. And until i'm ready to gain that last kilos, i'm gonna remain with this weight. Sure it may not be the best decision but it's what i'm most comfortable with right now. And the important thing is i'm not at risk of death anymore, so that's a huuuuge relieve (and progress, of course).
GRETA
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