I'm heading right into a relapse. I've managed to gain almost 10 kg going up from a BMI of roughly 13 to 16 which made me feel really REALLY bad about myself though still underweight. I feel bloated, huuuuge and ugly. And i still need to gain a whole 10 more! So i think: how the hell will i like myself when i'm at a healhy weight if i already despise miyself at this point? It's so confusing.... i DO want to recover! But i'm not being able to cope with the weight gain so my ED thoughts crept all back to my head in a matter of days and now i'm restricting again. It didn't help either the fact that i found an old notebook where i had written all of my food and caloric intake throughout the last half of 2012 and it was too triggering.
I feel like i'm letting down a looot of people who need to see me recovered and above all, i myself feel a failure. I'm really scared and worried as i haven't been feeling well these last days, but as much as i try and try to go back to a more peaceful state of mind, i can't....
I keep thinking and thinking about all of what has happened to me this last year and i can't help but ask: why me? I never ever in my whole life would've thought that i'd suffer from anorexia and nowadays i can't remember how my former self was.
I need my life back. Why won't you dark thoughts just go away?
I feel so alone :(
GRETA
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